The Dialog

By Kurt Jensen

Catholic News Service

The 90-minute killing spree that is “Bullet to the Head,” with its banal dialogue and weak, stale story, offends on every possible level. But, above all, for its sheer pointless mayhem.

Sylvester Stallone stars in the movie “Bullet to the Head.” The Catholic News Service classification is O — morally offensive.

Director Walter Hill and screenwriter Alessandro Camon adapt a French series of graphic novels by Alexis Nolent called “Headshot.” In doing so, they send the body count well into double digits and the boredom factor into overdrive.

There’s a Cajun-flavored comic-book plot built along the lines of the chop-socky genre. Thus, curved knives used for gutting fish are a favored weapon.

Sylvester Stallone plays hit man James “Jimmy Bobo” Bonomo, who grunts out such incisive one-liners as “Guns don’t kill people. Bullets kill people.” He reluctantly teams up with police detective Taylor Kwon (Sung Kang) to fight mobsters.

Also in their sights is the seemingly invincible assassin Keegan (Jason Momoa), who killed their respective partners in Crescent City, La., a barely fictional version of New Orleans.

The partners are aided by Bonomo,s tattoo-artist daughter Lisa (Sarah Shahi) as they confront corrupt lawyer Marcus Baptiste (Christian Slater) and mendacious property baron Robert Nkomo Morel (Adewale Akinnouye-Agbaje).

When he’s not too busy shooting or punching, Bonomo makes a wide array of racial remarks about Asians.

There are some other plot details, but the remaining cast is around only long enough to be killed. So it’s all lost in this fetid gumbo of gunfire and stabbing.

The film contains relentless violence, a vengeance theme, frequent upper female nudity, and pervasive rough, crude and crass language. The Catholic News Service classification is O — morally offensive. The Motion Picture Association of America rating is R — restricted. Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian.

Jensen is a guest reviewer for Catholic News Service.

By Kurt Jensen

Catholic News Service

The title doesn’t quite say it all about “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters.” There’s not so much witch-hunting going on as there is nonstop splatter, sans dialogue, hung on far less plot than a video game.

Jeremy Renner amd Gemma Arterton star in a scene from the movie “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters.” The Catholic News Service classification is O — morally offensive.

Witches are shot, stabbed, blown up, slain by crossbows, hacked to pieces while flying on brooms, beheaded by farm implements, burned, everything but melted.

Writer-director Tommy Wirkola “updates” the Grimm Brothers fairy tale first by showing the original, in which a young brother and sister are abandoned in the forest by their father, find a house made of gingerbread and candy, and are instantly imprisoned by the witch therein. She fattens Hansel on sugary treats (to snack on him later) while trying to sacrifice Gretel because the girl’s heart will give her special powers. They break loose and roast said witch in her oven.

Evidently, this gives them a career goal, and the scenario quickly shifts to grown-up Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton), clad in tight black leather as heavily armed mercenaries. With their arsenal of advanced weaponry, they clear out that old black magic from around medieval Augsburg, Germany, and rescue accused witch Mina (Pihla Viitala) from a Salem-type mob of dentally challenged peasants.

If there’s witch-hunting to be done, it has to be by professionals, and, the siblings insist, “The only good witch is a dead witch.”

They contend with loutish Sheriff Berringer (Peter Stormare) and their arch-enemy Muriel (Famke Janssen), leader of the “dark witches.” They have to stop her before the coming of the “blood moon,” which involves the sacrifice of children by a coven of plug-uglies on a mountaintop.

They also have to deal with their abandonment issues, their mother having been a “white witch,” Hansel’s diabetes from all the sugar he consumed as a child, and his attraction to Mina. The result is more a noisy, numbing, immoral assault than a viewing experience.

The film contains pervasive gory violence, a vengeance theme, fleeting rear and upper female nudity and some rough and crude language. The Catholic News Service classification is O, morally offensive. The Motion Picture Association of America rating is R ,restricted. Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian.

Jensen is a guest reviewer for Catholic News Service.

By Kurt Jensen

Catholic News Service

A souped-up Corvette gets more screen time than star Arnold Schwarzenegger in “The Last Stand,” a formulaic shoot- em-up action flick that marks Schwarzenegger’s return to leading-man roles.

Forest Whitaker and Arnold Schwarzenegger star in a scene from the movie “The Last Stand.” The Catholic News Service classification is L — limited adult audience, films whose problematic content many adults would find troubling. The Motion Picture Association of America rating is R — restricted. Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian. (CNS photo/Lionsgate)

Guns go a-blazin’ when Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega), the leader of a Mexican drug cartel, escapes custody just as he’s being sent to death row. He outwits the feds, led by agent John Bannister (Forest Whitaker).

Key to the plot, Cortez also is a skilled race-car driver and his Corvette can hit speeds of nearly 200 mph.

He’s planning to cross the border at a narrow canyon near Sommerton, Ariz. Out to stop him is the town’s sheriff, ex-Los Angeles police officer Ray Owens (Schwarzenegger). Sommerton’s a sleepy place and Owens’ deputies are clownish until faced with this unprecedented challenge.

Cortez has a hostage in tow, FBI agent Ellen Richards (Genesis Rodriguez), while Owens has his deputies and an ally in local loon Lewis Dinkum (Johnny Knoxville).

The big finale includes a car chase through a cornfield and considerable gunfire aimed at an empty school bus. Schwarzenegger doesn’t chase the bad guys; they come to him. Convenient that, given his age.

Director Kim Jee-Woon and screenwriter Andrew Knauer stick mostly to the car-chase genre while failing to give Schwarzenegger a single good one-liner, unless you count, “Dese tings are all connected.”

Meandering mayhem for the sturdy and mature only.

The film contains considerable violence, including much gunplay, occasional profanity and frequent rough language. The Catholic News Service classification is L, limited adult audience, films whose problematic content many adults would find troubling. The Motion Picture Association of America rating is R, restricted. Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian.

By Kurt Jensen

Catholic News Service

“Jack Reacher” begins with a sniper killing five people, including a woman holding a 7-year-old girl, and ends in a fusillade of semiautomatic rifle fire. Between those disturbing visuals, it’s a reasonably compelling detective story.

Tom Cruise stars in a scene from the movie “Jack Reacher.” The Catholic News Service classification is L — limited adult audience, films whose problematic content many adults would find troubling. The Motion Picture Association of America rating is PG-13 — parents strongly cautioned. Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13. (CNS/Paramount Pictures)

The hero of the title (Tom Cruise), a man seemingly without a past, discerns the innocence of the falsely accused shooter, uncovers the evil corporate plot behind the crime, and dispenses his own brand of rough justice in a dystopian Pittsburgh.

That’s right, Pittsburgh. The man knows how to take the crosstown Squirrel Hill bus and navigate a high-speed chase in a muscle car across the Fort Duquesne Bridge without hitting a single pothole.

Writer-director Christopher McQuarrie has adapted Lee Child’s novel “One Shot,” ninth in the Reacher series. Reacher is a former military police officer who emerges from the shadows like a contemporary Shane, only by mass transit, not on horseback. He wisecracks in staccato bursts, and mostly defends himself with his fists, although he’s an expert rifleman.

The troublesome aspect of the character is that he’s an amoral avenger who prefers simply to kill rather than bring anyone before the justice system. This doesn’t become clear until the end of the story.

The conspiracy’s designated patsy is former military sniper James Barr (Joseph Sikora), who, conveniently for those working against him, spends most of the picture in a coma because he was viciously beaten on his way to jail. Before that, he knows just enough of his circumstances to ask for Reacher.

Reacher knows Barr’s troubled history from Iraq, where the sniper had killed American soldiers who were returning from a “rape rally.” He also figures out, with the help of Barr’s lawyer Helen (Rosamund Pike) that, of the five victims in Pittsburgh, only one was the intended target; the other four were for distraction.

Helen is the daughter of district attorney Rodin (Richard Jenkins), who may have a connection to the murder scheme.

Robert Duvall as Ohio gun store owner Cash fills in the rest of the plot points and is Reacher’s backup in a nighttime quarry shootout.

“Who are you, mister, really?” asks Sandy (Alexia Fast), a young girl used by the bad guys to try to lure Reacher to his death. The audience never learns much more about the answer to that question than she does.

The film contains pervasive violence including gunplay, implied drug use and frequent profanity.

Catholic News Service classification is L, limited adult audience, films whose problematic content many adults would find troubling. The Motion Picture Association of America rating is PG-13.

By Kurt Jensen

Catholic News Service

In the dystopian distant of science fiction, and especially “Looper,” there will be time travel, but it will be illegal, so only criminals will utilize it.

Dang. In the near future, though, all cars will be electric, we’ll have cool flying motorcycles, a genetic mutation will make telekinesis sort of commonplace, and we’ll still rely on our trusty firearms on the remote prairie.

Read more »

By Kurt Jensen

Catholic News Service

“House at the End of the Street” has some wild, weird stuff going on in the sub-basement, but overall, it’s a somewhat elegant psychological thriller overstuffed with spooky music and with less gore than an old episode of “Murder, She Wrote.”

Director Mark Tonderia and screenwriter David Loucka have crafted a tale that floats on the star power of Jennifer Lawrence, who plays 17-year-old Elissa Cassidy, a sensitive girl who likes to “rescue” others.

Read more »

By Kurt Jensen

Catholic News Service

Vroom-vroom, boom-boom, yee-haw! Pretentiously droll and ostentatiously vulgar, “Hit and Run” is a dreary road trip of a comedy.

Dax Shepard, who wrote the screenplay and co-directed with David Palmer, plays Yul Perkins, a sensitive former getaway car driver for a group of bank robbers who is now in the witness protection program. He decided to change his name to Charlie Bronson because he thought it sounded macho.

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By Kurt Jensen

Catholic News Service

“Sparkle” is a soundtrack album packaged as a motion picture. But since this is evidently a point of pride for the filmmakers, take it as an observation, not a criticism.

This remake of the 1976 melodrama about a girl trio, set in 1968 Detroit, manages to be both as predictably familiar as your grandmother’s living room and as subtle as a runaway freight train. More overwrought and stale dialogue you’ve seldom heard. But the charisma of the performers and the consistently expressed desire of all the principal characters to lead moral lives hold the enterprise together.

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By Kurt Jensen

Catholic News Service

The first thing to understand about “The Odd Life of Timothy Green” is that, despite its genuinely wholesome approach, its themes of infertility and death make it unsuitable for younger children.

The film strains not to offend. But even older children may find parts of this fable, in which the enchanted 10-year-old boy of the title (CJ Adams) passes through life leading others by cheerfulness and good example, somewhat puzzling. Read more »

By Kurt Jensen

Catholic News Service

With the Vatican’s doctrinal assessment of the Leadership Conference of Women Religious and the ongoing debate surrounding the assessment nuns are in the news.

They also continue to be, as they have been for decades, a presence in popular culture. Just a few months ago, women religious made their most recent appearance on movie screens, though it was hardly one of their more favorable portrayals. Read more »