By Cecilia Cicone, OSV News
“The Let Them Theory,” Mel Robbins, Sawyer Robbins (2024), 336 pages, $15.68
What if all that is holding you back from achieving your wildest dreams is yourself? This question has been the topic of many a self-help book and rests at the center of a book that has been on the New York Times bestseller list for 30 weeks, “The Let Them Theory.”
The “Let Them Theory” is the brainchild of Mel Robbins, a self-help author and secular inspirational speaker. Her book on the theory has sold over 5 million copies since it was published in late 2024.
Beyond just the book, the “Let Them Theory” has become the topic of podcast episodes and viral social media videos, and has been promoted by corporate businesspeople and psychotherapists alike.
The “Let Them Theory” has two parts which, together, the author claims will lead to inner peace and personal success. First, when someone else does something that bothers you, say, “Let them.”
Whether it is a child who is moving away from the faith, a coworker who watches your every move, or a government who has turned on its citizens, Robbins tells readers that the actions of others are outside their control. Life isn’t fair, and the sooner you can accept that, the sooner you will be at peace, she says. Let go of control, honor the autonomy of others, and say, “Let them.”
The second part of the theory is what Robbins calls, “Let me.” After letting go of the actions of others, the reader is encouraged to ask themselves what they actually can do to change the situation. It is true that you cannot control what a coworker thinks, but you can leave your job. You cannot control what your government does, but you can control where you live and who you vote for. “Let me” is the component of the theory that is supposed to move readers from inner peace to self-actualization of the life they desire.
The “Let Them Theory” is attractive for many reasons, most especially its promise of internal peace. It is reminiscent of prayers like the Serenity Prayer or the Litany of Humility, asking God for the grace not to be consumed by what others think of you and to let go of things that are outside of your control. “Let them” is an act of surrender to the will of God, it may seem, while “let me” is an act of empowerment.
While parts of the “Let Them Theory” may seem compatible with the Christian life, it is extremely problematic at its core. At its core, the purpose of the “Let Them Theory,” as it is proposed by Mel Robbins, is to achieve personal success, and the examples Robbins gives mostly revolve around bruised egos, carefully avoiding addressing real evils that exist in the world.
The peace that Jesus came to give comes from him alone, not from detaching from love of others. To achieve internal peace by simply saying, “Let them,” in the face of real evil and suffering is an ersatz peace, a manufactured peace from the Evil One. It suggests that the solution to relationship problems is to ignore what you don’t like in your spouse, family member or neighbor, rather than learning to love them like Jesus does, warts and all.
Learning to say, “Let them,” when a troll comments on a social media post is one thing. Saying, “Let them,” in the face of the abominations of abortion, war, racism and the other evils in our world is a detachment that may lead to a feeling of peace, but will end up killing our brothers and sisters in body and soul. If this is what is required to achieve success as Robbins claims, it is a material and worldly success, not a life measured by grace and holiness.
A Christian counter-practice to the “Let Them Theory” is the age-old practice of “memento mori,” or “remember your death.” When you keep eternity in mind, everything is kept in proper perspective, because the end goal is not wealth or being unbothered, but total communion with God.
There are certain things that are easy to let go of when you remember that you will die — the internet troll’s comments or a friend cancelling last-minute on plans are easily dismissed.
However, unlike the “Let Them Theory,” “memento mori” helps to develop a conscience that is bothered by sin and evil, and moved to act for love of God and love of neighbor rather than simple peace of mind.
The saints did not see their brothers and sisters suffering and say, “Let them.” No, they were prophetic, countercultural voices who loved the poor and the outcast, and spoke up rather than remain silent, even when it came at great personal cost. Their consciences were bothered; and rather than detaching, they chose to enter into the mess to bring the light of Jesus Christ even if it resulted in their death.
“The Let Them Theory” has been successful because it speaks to the human heart and the desire to not be bothered or consumed by the horrors of a fallen world, which is certainly understandable. But ultimately it is a cheap way out of accepting the foolishness of the Cross and learning to love with the heart of Christ.
Cecilia Cicone is an author and communicator who works in diocesan ministry in Northwest Indiana.
