OCEAN PINES, Md. — Life goes on.
The difficult part can be figuring out how.
A group in Ocean Pines is reaching out to people who have suffered the loss of a spouse. That wrenching loss when life turns upside down and everything changes in a second, may be the most difficult loss any of us can experience.
The message from members of the Ocean Pines Widow/Widowers Support Group is that there is still life and that your life can go on. They say that everyone deals with loss differently and everyone takes a different path. So, they create a safe, comfortable space with regular monthly meetings, prayer, outings and many shoulders to lean upon.
It’s a safe and confidential space because members follow what they call the “Vegas Rule” — “If it is said here, it stays here.”
Jo Alexander, Al Carmenini, and Cindy Ostrowski, lead the group. Alexander and Carmenini have both lost spouses. Alexander has lost two husbands, two children and a beloved granddaughter. Carmenini lost his spouse of 49 years in 2019.
“Through all these losses, I have found solace in remembering their lives as being a true blessing to me. I share these thoughts frequently with the group — they always ask, and I repeat always, their lives — the memories — keep me blessed and thankful that, with God, there’s always hope,” Alexander said.
Ostrowski is an advanced practice mental health nurse with 50 years of experience.
“As a certified spiritual director and a secular Discalced Carmelite, I’m attuned to bringing an attitude of quiet prayer,” she said.
The group is under the auspices of St. John Neumann, St. Luke’s and St. Mary Star of the Sea churches. Although a Catholic group, it is open to any Christian seeking hope and consolation.
“There is life after your spouse passes,” Carmenini said.
“They say it is comfortable. You can talk and someone will understand,” Alexander said.
“People bare their soul,” said Carmenini.
“You can shed tears because they are gone or you can smile because they lived,” according to writer Elizabeth Ammons. “You can close your eyes and pray that they will come back, or you can open your eyes and see all that they left for you. Your heart can be empty because you can’t see them, or you can be full of the love you shared. You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember only that they are gone, or you can cherish their memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind and feel empty or you can do what they would want. Smile, open your heart, love … ”
Carmenini offered suggestions for people dealing with loss. He and Alexander said people should try to stay active, get out and not sit home alone. On special days, don’t re-visit your favorite spots. They also suggest that you not make major decisions like moving or financial decisions soon after a loss. Those major decisions should be made later, they suggest.
“Watch out for ‘coulda, woulda, shoulda,’” said Carmenini. “Focus on the memories. Don’t stay home alone. Not everything works for everybody.”
“The loss of a parent, child etc. is different from the loss of a spouse” because you have lost a “confidant, best friend and lover. That is a lot to lose,” he said.
He added that people often try to stay strong for the sake of their children, but they need time to grieve.
People may feel like they are feeling things that are strange or wrong even after years. They should not, he said. “Even after eight or ten years, I may reach over for them in bed. I thought maybe I was crazy,” he’s been told. “In the first year, people are all over the map. (People think) there must be something wrong with me that I’m doing this.”
Alexander said she felt like she had lost all control and Carmenini said he could barely speak.
Alexander offered a reporter a prayer card for the widow or widower. It reads in part, “Turn your compassionate eyes on me in my sorrow over the loss of my life’s partner … Help me to cope with my loss by relying on you more even more than before.”
“Enable me to avoid withdrawing from life and make me give myself to others more readily, so that I may continue to live in your grace and to do the task that you have laid out for me,” the prayer card continued.
There are about 48 members of the group, ranging in age from people in their 50s to their 90s. They meet the second Monday of each month at 2 p.m. at the Ocean Pines Community Center Assateague Room and on the fourth Monday at noon for lunch at a local restaurant.
Sometimes, there are also gatherings to play miniature golf, have a Christmas party or other social event. Contact Jo Alexander (410) 829-5231 or alexjackjo@verizon.net for information.
“People ask me how do you manage?” Alexander said. “I think I have a really, good positive attitude. Even though I’ve lost a lot of people, I feel blessed.”