“I wanted to be a heap in the corner – but there was too much to do. I mourn my husband. I mourn my daughter, an angel put here to teach us something,” says Cathy Sarkis.
This month marks the one-year anniversary of her daughter’s death and December will mark the first anniversary of her husband George’s passing. Sarkis’s daughter, Missy Kirby, suffered multiple debilitating brain stem strokes. Sarkis’ husband’s heart failed. Two deaths within two months. Tremendous loss.
Sarkis has been working on all aspects of her changed life with internal fortitude, strong faith and sustained support from two bereavement groups at her parish of St. Ann in Bethany Beach.
One group is led by retired practicing Catholic psychiatrist, Dr. Dan Cowell, who facilitates a Grief & Bereavement Group for those who have experienced newer losses, of less than five years, and another is led by retired Certified School Psychologist Linda Flynn, who leads “Always Hope,” aimed at longer term sustained healing support. Many attend meetings of both groups.
Vince Bertone is one of them. He lost his wife, Annette, in April of this year. “My wife was the glue who kept extended family together,” says Bertone, “She was an Army Nurse who took care of General Douglas MacArthur and then-General Dwight D. Eisenhower. A great mother, caregiver; she kept me on track.” He remains heartbroken by her absence, but is finding resiliency and comfort in new friendships.
Some still can’t fully talk about their loss. Some still feel alone when in any group. Some still talk to their deceased spouses when they walk in the door.
“There is no easy way to describe the path you have to tread through,” says Dan Mooney, who lost his wife, Kathy, to cancer in 2022. “I am changing all the time. I was floating around in year one. Then, I realized the loss in year two. Then, I realized I have to go on. I am doing things I never did before.”
Even when someone expects the death of a loved one, anticipatory grief still doesn’t fully prepare anyone for actual death, experts say.
“There is such a need for some type of assistance in every parish for folks who struggle with losses of many kinds, in the very recent past or more remotely,” said Dr. Cowell, who has written a book on bereavement entitled, “Brokenhearted,” which he hopes will publish in the near future. “The work I do is the work of the Holy Spirit. In my 12 years with our group, we have confronted losses including the pain of spouses or parents drifting off into eternity because of dementia, loss of spouses, suicide, drug overdose, murder, miscarriages, abandonment, and yes, loss of service animals.”
“We go on,” said Flynn, the psychologist. “Courage comes from daring to love life, even when it seems cruel. We rely on God’s help and the grace of the Holy Spirit rather than just our own strengths.”
Flynn says, “Grieving members who are doing well find new ways to heal and can provide hope to those who are new to grief and show it’s possible to feel joy and happiness again. Members of these groups are proof of that. Love outlasts loss.”
“The groups are a safe space for deep caring, sharing and bearing with one another’s burden of grief. We seek to facilitate growth in spite of loss,” says Dr. Cowell.
“At first, I felt alone in this group. And then, I realized all these people are in the same boat,” says Mooney.
“Grief changes. It softens as time goes by, and you learn to accept the reality of life. It’s all love – love never dies – and the relationship with your lost loved one never dies either,” says Flynn.
“I try not to dwell on sadness. We have to go on living. I still have a lot of living in me,” declares Sarkis.
On Oct. 10, Sarkis marked the one-year anniversary of her daughter’s death by going to Mass and sitting on a bench in her neighborhood that has Missy’s name on it. She also plans to go to Mass on the anniversary of her husband’s death – and then do something she hasn’t been able to do yet – clean out his side of the closet.
Psychologist Linda Flynn and Dr. Dan Cowell welcome inquiries from parishes or individuals about their groups. You can reach out to Dr. Dan Cowell at ddcowell@yahoo.com or Linda Flynn at lflynndc64@gmail.com
